This is What Running From God Feels Like

This. Right here. This is what it feels like. This is what it feels like to run from God.
I blog instead of talking to God.
I tell myself I have too much work to do to read the Bible right now. But then I don’t actually do the work.
I fall asleep with the TV on, so I don’t get stuck in that late night silence.
I call my friends and talk about absolutely nothing.

Yesterday, I wrote in my journal for a whopping 3 minutes (approximately). And I told God that I just felt too ashamed to really go to Him. I felt exposed, and it’s just too hard to face Him right now.

So, now I totally get Adam and Eve and the fig leaves. I truly get that whole thing. I am haunted by this feeling, this need to run and hide and pull a blanket of leaves over my entire life.

The blood of Jesus covers me. But I’m not emotionally there yet.

A Good Reminder

Really great article by Tullian Tchividjian about grace, holiness, and accountability groups.

Reminders are More Effective than Rebukes

Here’s a snippet:

The real reason, however, that I hate the kind of “accountability groups” described above is because the primary (almost exclusive, in my experience) focus is always on our sin, not on our Savior. Because of this, these groups breed self-righteousness, guilt, and the almost irresistible temptation to pretend–to be less than honest. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in “accountability groups” where there has been little to no attention given to the gospel whatsoever. There’s no reminder of what Christ has done for our sin–”cleansing us from its guilt and power”–and the resources that are already ours by virtue of our union with him.  These groups produce a “do more, try harder” moralism that robs us of the joy and freedom Jesus paid dearly to secure for us. They start with the narcissistic presupposition that Christianity is all about cleaning up and getting better–it’s all about personal improvement.

But it’s not!

 

 

 

 

 

Learning Grace in Lamentations

If your Bible pages are really thin, you probably often miss Lamentations when you’re flipping through.

The entire book takes up a whopping 6 pages in my Bible.

I read the entire book today, and I learned about grace.  How can a book full of depressing poems teach me about grace?  Because it shows me what I deserve.  Jerusalem has been totally devastated all because they sinned.  And if not for the grace of God that has come through Jesus, this would be my fate too.  I am so thankful that God deals with me according to the terms of a new and better covenant.

Amazingly though, even in Lamentations, there is a glimpse of God’s gracious heart.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness…For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.” (Lamentations 3:22-23, 31-32, NIV)

Spilled Water

Today I told God that I feel far away. That the messes I’ve made have gotten in the way.  And I pleaded with Him to pay attention to me and speak.

The Spirit compelled me to read 2 Samuel 14.

It is a riveting tale that reads like a scene from a plot-twisting movie.  And then came this verse:

“Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die.  But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him.” (2 Samuel 14:14, NIV)

What a delight to encounter this verse, revealing the gracious ways of God in the midst of this gut-wrenching, chaotic story of sin and tragedy.  I do indeed feel exiled like Absalom. Like my sins have pushed me away from my God, out of His presence the way Absalom’s murder of his brother banished him from the royal courts.  That is not what God wants, though.  He graciously conspires for my return.

Witnessing to a Christian: Is Your Gospel Good News?

Last night I had a surprising conversation with my best friend.  She is a Christian, as far as I can tell.  And yet she expressed to me that she is uncertain about eternity. She thinks it’s hard to go to Heaven.  She’s never sure if she’s been a good enough person.  The uncontrollable, inevitable passing of time makes her anxious, because this life is ending.

It all made me sad.

And then it made me wonder.  How many Christians know the Bible but don’t know the Gospel?   How many Christians have heard a message that is only fairly Good News?  How many Christians have sung a hymn about a grace they don’t really believe is all that amazing?

And my heart ached. And so I told her…
“The truth is, you’re not  a good person.  And even on your best day, it would not be good enough.  But the blood of Jesus covers all of that.  God is not keeping score anymore.  When you unite with Christ, God sees Christ’s righteousness when He looks at you.  It is so simple that we can’t stand it!  It is free. It is ridiculous. It is sufficient. You can be free from worrying about it.  Yeah, when you sin, it disrupts the harmony you have with God.  But it does not ruin your eternal standing with Him.  If so, the Good News would not be that good…”

Then we went on to talk about Heaven, and I told her…
“I absolutely would prefer Heaven over THIS.  And I think Christians who cling to this life do not yet have a robust enough understanding of Heaven.  I think lots of people think Heaven is this place in the sky where we will all go and sit on clouds and sing church songs to God forever!  If that’s what it is, I don’t think I want to go!  But God is going to re-do it all. New heavens, new earth. I think it will be a huge party with lots of food and music and dancing and rest and people working on things they love. The earth will be beautiful. There won’t be poisonous snake bites or natural disasters or poverty or sickness. And there will be wine.  You know Jesus loves wine!  I think it will be a good time, and I’d rather be there than here!”

She was quiet for a while and then said, “Man, when I have kids, will you explain Heaven to them like this?!”

“Sure.”

Sin is Helping Me

For some Christians, Christianity really gets in the way of them loving people like Jesus did. Sometimes I am that Christian. But I don’t really dig that. And God has been totally transforming me in this area. It’s happening in an odd way though.

Through my own sins, failures, and flaws, I am seeing that I am not that different from those “we” typically relegate to the outskirts of Christian community.

It becomes easier to love, respect, and accept people when you see yourself in them.

Reconsideration: Blessing & Punishment

My questions concerning blessing and punishment arise from out of my own moral failures. My questions are as follows:

• Does God punish me for my sins?
• Does Jesus atone for sins I have not confessed?
• Does God withhold blessings from me because of my sins? (even sins that have been forgiven)

I have wrestled with these questions (and variations of them) for the past few months. I don’t have answers, only questions. But if I had to respond to these questions right now, I would answer as follows, respectively:

• I don’t see why God would punish me. Isn’t that part of what Christ accomplished on the Cross? Punishment deflected?  Sometimes sin has consequences that God may not prevent, and that can certainly seem like punishment.  And sometimes God disciplines me, and that, too, can seem like punishment.
• It seems as if Jesus does indeed atone for sins not confessed. 1 John 1:9 talks about confession and forgiveness. But I’ve been wondering if maybe we haven’t misunderstood what is meant by “confess” in that verse. Maybe it’s not about telling God every single sin you commit every single day. Nothing wrong with that…but maybe that’s not how this all works.  In any case, Jesus died for the sins of the world long before I was born and could confess anything.
• The last question is the hardest for me to answer. In fact, I have no response. I really wish I did.

Here’s the thing…this isn’t about figuring out how much I can sin without forfeiting God’s blessings. Nor is it about doing whatever I want because it’s all covered by the blood. Rather, it is about the possibility of freedom from beating myself up over the things I might have missed out on because of my sins. Maybe I haven’t missed anything. Maybe God is still calling me. Maybe God is still anointing me. Maybe God is still ready and willing to bless me. Maybe. Maybe blessing and punishment  no longer have anything to do with my sins.

Poke

I got my heart poked today.

I went to church heavy-hearted. Worn from the battles in my life.  Exasperated by relationships going awry. Frustrated and burdened.  Feeling alone. In there and everywhere. I am an orphan. But I went in determined to worship Him.

And I did.  I sang my heart out. Exalting His name.

My pastor called for silence in the sanctuary and asked us to just listen. So I listened.

And God spoke this to me:  ”If my people who are called by name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land. Dana, you already possess the land. Now let it be healed!”

I received that.

My pastor’s father-in-law shared the Word with us this morning. A good, timely, penetrating word.  Totally in accord with what God’s been whispering to me, what God’s been doing in me.  I knew that altar call was for me this morning. If I go through an entire service on the verge of tears, then I have an appointment with God before I leave that place!

The in-laws prayed for me and over me.  And I know God spoke to my heart. She prayed and said, “The Lord has ordered your steps. But He has not ordered your steps to be stuck in the mud. You shall have the feet of a deer.  You can climb to greater heights in safety. Do not be afraid. Go higher. No more mud on your feet.”  Wow.  And then he prayed and said, “Dana, I feel the Lord wants me to tell you that He has not abandoned you. You are not an abandoned child. You belong to the family of God. You are not an orphan.”  And I was just kind of blown away.

My biggest beef with God over the last two years has been that he has left me alone. Out here in Texas with no family. And only the fleeting semblance of spiritual family.  I feel like He has left me hanging, orphaned.  And today, clear as day, He answered my heart on that issue.

Now what?  I don’t know. But whatever the Lord puts His finger on, I will confess and repent from it. I don’t want to forfeit the presence of God because of the sin I’ve let in.  Now what? I don’t know. But I know He hears me, and I know He’s after my heart.  And I don’t know what’s next in my life, but I’m going to climb and not be afraid.

My heart got poked today.

My Nagging Theological Question. Part 2

Why does this question nag at me?  Well, unlike other questions, I believe the issue of the origins of sin is a paramount issue in my understanding of the nature God.  In other words, God authoring  the sin that caused Satan to rebel can have very different theological consequences than Satan’s rebellion sort of appearing out of thin air.  Understanding this issue could profoundly affect the meta-narrative that guides my understanding of the holistic Scriptures and the arc of God’s work in human history.

Somehow I manage to go day-to-day living for the Lord and not thinking about this too much. Thank God!  This may be something I will not learn until I meet my Maker.  If that is the case, then Lord strengthen my faith to love and worship you even when you don’t really make sense to  me.

My Nagging Theological Question

I don’t really engage in theological debates anymore.  Not because I don’t enjoy them, but because I’m not sure they if ever accomplished anything.  And when “real” life gets busy, the first things I cut out are exercise and theological debates

Plus, I’ve just stopped asking perplexing theological questions (for now).  It was getting in the way of my faith. I would read and study all day and all night until I was totally  inundated with information and paralyzed by my inability to make sense of some idea. I still love that stuff. I just had to dethrone it.  Some day it will find its rightful place in my life.

But one question still nags at me.

Here it goes.  Let’s start with the Fall. Okay, so Eve was tempted in the garden. She sinned, and Adam came tumbling after. And all of creation took a plummet.  Who was responsible for Man’s sin?  Well, Man was responsible for his disobedience to God.  Satan was responsible for the temptation.  The opportunity to sin arose because of temptation…which is of the devil.  Now, here’s where it gets interesting. I would argue that the fall of man was not the original sin. The original sin was the fall of the angel Lucifer, known as Satan. He was prideful and wanted to be like God and even surpass God. God hit the eject button on him!

So here’s the question.  If Satan became the source of temptation for man, who or what tempted Satan?  I mean, in theory, sin did not exist prior to Satan being cast out with his legion of fallen angel homeboys. So how do we explain what caused him to sin against God?  We’ve always been able to point to Satan as the enemy.  But who was the enemy before Satan was bad?

In my next post, I will discuss why this question is so important.