Plants and Desire

What grows well in Georgia clay?

Seems like the first line of a popsicle stick joke.  But I really would like to know what kinds of plants or flowers grow well here.  I have always had this (uncharacteristically domestic) dream of having a garden.  It is not an unrealistic dream, like being a rockstar. Yet, it feels so unattainable.

Lately, I’ve had this strong urge to plant something.  I think I would enjoy conspiring with the elements to make something grow.  I would want it to be something I can eat.  Cucumbers, herbs, tomatoes…I don’t know.

I am trying to dig beneath the urge and comprehend the underlying desire.  I think I desire to see good results in my life. To see something thrive at my hands. To make nothing become something. To tend to something and be pleased with it.

Maybe it would be the one thing in my life that goes right.  The one thing that stays alive.

A Card From a Stranger

Yesterday I went to a little arts festival.  One of those things where there are a bunch of vendors set up, selling cool, artsy things they’ve made. And there was live music and everything. It was held at a coffee shop a few towns over. I loved the atmosphere. It is the kind of place where you find people who are passionate about their craft. People willing to endure hot sun to show off their pottery. People who love to talk about their process for creating that painting or the inspiration behind their jewelry.  And musicians that no one recognizes–by name or face–but have talent enough to make you stop and listen. Arts festivals are wonderful places of energy and creativity and inspiration and passion and dream-chasing. How can you not love that atmosphere?

But I always sort of only half enjoy anything…at least these days.  My worries and problems are never far from my mind.

And then a divine interruption.

I was standing, admiring some paintings when an older woman came up to me and handed me this postcard:

She said, “Here, have this. I’d like to share some hope with you today.”  I can’t remember what I said.  Probably something like, “Oh wow. Thanks!”  And she smiled warmly. I would later find out that she was the mother of the artist whose work I was admiring.

There are many things that happen throughout a day to which I ascribe no meaning. But this…this was a divine interruption!  If there is anything I need in my life right now, it is hope.  I need hope.  And someone handed it to me on a painted piece of card stock.  I instantly knew that it was God speaking to me. (I am Charismatic enough to believe in that sort of thing.)  I guess, more than anything, I was just thankful that God took a moment to interrupt my activity and communicate with me in an unmistakable way. He knows. And He spoke. And there’s hope.

I wish I could say that everything has changed since that moment. That simply is not true though. But maybe a little something has been sparked in a dark and dusty corner of my heart. And I’ll take that for now.

All the Things I’m NOT Giving Up for Lent

To be quite honest, I didn’t even know what Lent was until maybe five years ago. I grew up Baptist/Assembly of God. And “we” pretty much pay no attention to the liturgical church calendar.

Nowadays, I try to at least know when Lent begins.  I wanted to go to Ash Wednesday service this afternoon. But it was thunderstorming and I didn’t feel like getting out of my pajamas quite yet.  Clearly, I’m very dedicated to this Lenten season.  Honestly, I just wanted to get ashes on my forehead because I’ve never had that experience and I think I would like it.  I would like it because I’m morbid, and I think about death a lot, and going to a somber church service and being reminded that I’m going to die is right up my alley.  There’s another service at 7. I hope I’m out of my pajamas by then.

So, Lent is a season of repentance and penance and self-denial.  By the way, Lent isn’t in the Bible. People made that up somewhere along the way.  That doesn’t mean it’s bad. It just means it’s optional.  Typically, during Lent people “give up” something. These sacrifices usually include things like caffeine or sweets.  I probably should have started thinking about Lent weeks ago. But it snuck up on me.  So I don’t know what I’m giving up. But here’s my list of things I’m NOT giving up:

1. Chocolate
2. Coffee
3. Twitter
4. Meat
5. TV
6. Sleeping in

But there are other things I’m not giving up either…

1. Hoping…though many days I really want to
2. Trying…though many days I am often discouraged
3. Loving…though I’ve been burned and would rather keep my distance
4. Creating…though many days my creative impulses seem so useless

I actually think giving up coffee would be much easier than not giving up hope.

Lord, help me.

I Hope One Day I Believe Them

Many, many people have told me that I will do great things in life. I hope one day I believe them. More than that, I hope they are right.

On Not Getting What I Prayed For…

At this time two years ago, I was finishing my first semester of graduate school.

More than two years ago, I began praying for a job for after grad school.  I prayed consistently, fervently, with my whole heart and with much hope.  And now…

Now I am finishing my first semester teaching as faculty. My one-semester contract  will be over in two weeks. My apartment lease will expire on the 31st.  I should be excited. I should be getting ready to move for the next great leap in my life.  Instead, I am preparing to move back to my parents’ home because I have no job lined up, nowhere to go, and not enough money to stay here without a job.

I am discouraged. Frustrated. I feel like I am moving backwards. Losing everything. Failing. Disappointed. Confused.  And so I’ve got questions…

God, did all those prayers not even matter?
God, do the desires of my heart not matter at all?
God, are you punishing me?
God, have my sins kept you from blessing me?
God, why are other people succeeding?
God, are you still helping me?

I’ve got questions.

Truthfully, I was afraid that this would happen. That I would pray for something I desperately wanted and not get it.  And then I’d have all kinds of beef with God about it.  And I know I don’t deserve anything I’ve asked God for…but has this ever been about what I deserve??

This semester has been amazing. I’ve had the chance to live my dream of teaching at a university!  And I’ve had the chance to impact so many students. Is it over? Is it time for a new dream to chase?  How has something so amazing become so painful?  The past few years have been wild. I’ve experienced incredible intimacy with God. And I’ve also fallen hard and fast away from Him. I’ve heard Him loud and clear. And I’ve also wondered if He would ever speak to me again. This has been a season of learning how to walk with God when I can’t see, feel, or hear him.  Learning about His ‘absence’.  Learning about His silence. No. Wait. I think it’s more like I’ve been learning about how I react to his absence and silence. An exposé of my spiritual immaturity.

And now here I am…trying to make something out of all this disappointment. Trying to figure out what to do when I don’t get what I prayed for.

Full View

“He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all.  This amazed everyone and they praised God…” (Mark 2:12)

Have you been praying for something?  No, I mean like…
Every day
Down on your knees
Crying
Desperate
Diligent
Fervent
Shameless
Losing hope
Stuck
Needy
With every ounce of faith you can muster…

And nothing.

Have you ever wondered?  Maybe God is waiting for an audience.  The right audience.  Maybe God is waiting to perform your miracle in full view of everyone, so that they will praise Him.  I’m trying to get my mind around this today.  My miracle ain’t just about me!  If I will wait, even in my paralyzed desperation, I may find that others will be amazed by what God does in my life.  Is there anything greater than that?

Christmas Spirit (or the lack thereof)

Confession: I pretty much hate Christmas music.  I find it cheesy, annoying, and unsatisfying. Unless they’re hymns, which I enjoy.  The truth is I don’t have very much Christmas spirit.  I find this time of year approximately as exciting as all other times of year, and since I generally don’t find many things exciting…

Eh, I make no apologies for it.

Nevertheless, I find this Advent season quite meaningful this year.  Why? Because this year more than ever before, I feel the ache of expectation.  In my Bible, there are about 2 pages separating Malachi and Matthew. That’s a little misleading.  I think we’d be more likely to get the full effect if there were literally hundreds of blank pages between those two books of the Bible.  That’s where I am in my life right now. In the blank pages.  Waiting for the promises of God to be delivered.