There is no pain like that of breaking someone else’s heart.
The person dumped is not the only one who hurts.
The pain of the breakup is compounded by the pain of knowing you have broken someone’s heart.
Tag Archives: heart
Inside of You
Some things are so obvious that they’re not. I don’t know how I missed this one.
“Moses then took the blood, sprinkled it on the people and said, ‘This is the blood of the covenant that the Lord has made with you in accordance with all these words.’” (Exodus 24:8, NIV)
“Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, ‘Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.” (Matthew 26: 27-28)
The old covenant and the new covenant. Both confirmed with blood. In the old covenant, Moses sprinkled the blood of animals on the people. In the new covenant, Jesus tells his disciples to drink his blood (John 6:53-56). And it occurred to me that the very way the blood is applied reveals an important difference between these two covenants. The old covenant was something external to you, something put onto you. The new covenant is something internal, something in your heart. This new thing is inside of you.
So, today I thank God for the new covenant, for the blood of His son, for the life I have in Jesus, for canceling the written code, and for writing His law on my heart.
Poke
I got my heart poked today.
I went to church heavy-hearted. Worn from the battles in my life. Exasperated by relationships going awry. Frustrated and burdened. Feeling alone. In there and everywhere. I am an orphan. But I went in determined to worship Him.
And I did. I sang my heart out. Exalting His name.
My pastor called for silence in the sanctuary and asked us to just listen. So I listened.
And God spoke this to me: ”If my people who are called by name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land. Dana, you already possess the land. Now let it be healed!”
I received that.
My pastor’s father-in-law shared the Word with us this morning. A good, timely, penetrating word. Totally in accord with what God’s been whispering to me, what God’s been doing in me. I knew that altar call was for me this morning. If I go through an entire service on the verge of tears, then I have an appointment with God before I leave that place!
The in-laws prayed for me and over me. And I know God spoke to my heart. She prayed and said, “The Lord has ordered your steps. But He has not ordered your steps to be stuck in the mud. You shall have the feet of a deer. You can climb to greater heights in safety. Do not be afraid. Go higher. No more mud on your feet.” Wow. And then he prayed and said, “Dana, I feel the Lord wants me to tell you that He has not abandoned you. You are not an abandoned child. You belong to the family of God. You are not an orphan.” And I was just kind of blown away.
My biggest beef with God over the last two years has been that he has left me alone. Out here in Texas with no family. And only the fleeting semblance of spiritual family. I feel like He has left me hanging, orphaned. And today, clear as day, He answered my heart on that issue.
Now what? I don’t know. But whatever the Lord puts His finger on, I will confess and repent from it. I don’t want to forfeit the presence of God because of the sin I’ve let in. Now what? I don’t know. But I know He hears me, and I know He’s after my heart. And I don’t know what’s next in my life, but I’m going to climb and not be afraid.
My heart got poked today.
DVD Player
For the past few years, I’ve been in the practice of reading a chapter of Proverbs each day. Honestly, it started out as a prideful desire to possess an uncanny amount of wisdom. I don’t know if it worked or not, but I DO know that you can’t read the Bible for very long and remain a prideful person. 
So, today, chapter 15. What stood out to me were the number of verses that talk about the mouth and the heart in conjunction. I think the structure of these proverbs reveals something interesting about the connection between mouth and heart. For example:
“The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.” (v. 28, NKJV)
Here, the righteous and the wicked are being contrasted. In order to contrast two things in a meaningful way, the object of contrast needs to be the same for both things. In other words, if I’m going to contrast football players and soccer (fútbol ha) players, it would make sense to contrast their stamina. It would not make sense to contrast the number of tackles. Sooooo…if we are going to talk about the heart of the righteous, it would make sense to also talk about the heart of the wicked. Instead, the proverb talks about the mouth of the wicked. The heart and the mouth. What’s the connection?
“But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.” (Matthew 15:18-19, NKJV)
The mouth reveals the heart! The heart is like a DVD player and the mouth is like a television screen, broadcasting all that is going on in inside the heart. Sure, your mouth and your heart are not the same thing. But what you are and what you say are virtually the same. They are so connected, that they can effectively be used as like objects when contrasting the righteous and the wicked.
The heart and the mouth. Connected.
Distraction
God can be so distracting.
I was sitting in church last night at the women’s meeting, trying to focus on worshiping. But a million thoughts were racing through my mind. I felt blocked.
And then the Holy Spirit spoke to me: Dana, do you love me enough? Do you trust me enough to come to me for the things you’ve been going to other people for?
And before the Holy Spirit could even get to the question mark, I knew the answer was no. Those million racing thoughts were not a distraction at all. It was a slideshow of all the people and things I’ve been turning to instead of God. When will I get serious about victory?
I am nervous about what God will do next. In my heart, I mean. There are no fig leaves big enough to cover that part of my heart I’ve been trying to hide for so long.
Comparing Pain
I think it is less painful to be alone than to be with someone who eventually rejects you.
Unzip
I actually braved the rain to go to church last week. It’s not like it was torrential rain, but lately any little thing has become an excuse not to go. I parked and got out and the church bells were ringing. That was unexpected. Do you know how long it’s been since I went to a church that had church bells? Like forever. I never have. It was my first time at this church, and I liked the bells ringing, calling people to worship. I felt like this was about to be special.
When I got to the door, a chipper little man greeted me with a hug. He said, “Are you a professor?” Taken aback, I said, “No. I’m a grad student.” And then he said, “You look like a professor.” And instantly I flashed back to my childhood…a family friend had nicknamed me “The Professor” when I was four years old. And now I was standing at the church entrance, wondering if this man’s greeting was in any way prophetic. The sanctuary was beautiful. Large, serene, warm. Warm woods and reds and lights in just the right places.
The service started and I was in that typical “first-time-visitor fog”. Not sure when to stand during the liturgy. Not sure if they clap. Not sure what to say out loud and when. (The bulletin helped a lot though). I didn’t mind the fog. The congregants didn’t seem to mind or pay any attention. I enjoyed it. It was like…being in a secret hideout where there was beauty and peace and truth. One of my favorite parts was when we corporately confessed our sins and then, after silent private confession, the minister pronounced Jesus’s forgiveness of our sins. I felt a tingly, goosebump sensation all over as the words came from his mouth. I remember thinking, “God is here. Forgiveness is real.” I felt differently after that. We took communion. And for a few moments in my crazy life, I felt burdens lifted off of me.
I liked that place. I stick out like a sore thumb. I’m probably 25 years younger than the average congregant, and I’m the lone chocolate sprinkle in that bowl of vanilla ice cream. But I like that place, so I went back today. Today, it wasn’t as…moving as it was last week. But then, I wasn’t nearly as tired last week as I am today. Saturday night can really mess you up on Sunday morning. Ha. But today I felt my heart unzip. Just a wee bit. Letting God back in to where He’s already been.
I Met a Buddhist Monk
I was driving through town on my way to who-knows-where. I sat at a red light, daydreaming and waiting for my turn to go. And then I saw him. This boy standing on the corner diagonal from me. He looked about 15 years old. He was bald and barefoot and waving at everyone that passed by. But it wasn’t just waving. It was like the most exuberant waving I’ve ever seen. He nearly put his whole body into it! And he had this big goofy smile. My eyes were fixed on him. I was puzzled by his appearance and his behavior. The light turned green and I drove away.
A few days later, I went out to lunch with a friend on the Square. After lunch, we decided to stroll through the Square and find some place to get dessert. And there he was. Sitting outside my favorite coffee hangout. He sat alone at a sidewalk table with his legs folded in the chair, eating a sandwich. As we passed by, his face lit up and he waved at us and smiled. I whispered to my friend, "That’s him! That’s the dude I saw on the corner a few days ago! I can’t figure out what his deal is." We settled on a place for dessert and went inside. We were the only patrons there and picked a table by the window. We shared a tres leches cheesecake and while we were eating, he opened the door to the restaurant. He stuck his head and waved at the waitress. Then we watched him pass by our window. I was drawn to the mystery of him. The waitress asked us if we knew about him. Then she explained that he’s a Buddhist monk that goes to school here. Hmmm…
The next Wednesday, I was sitting in my Women’s Studies class and we were talking about motherhood. My professor dismissed us for a break and I wandered through the Philosophy building. And then I saw him! He was sitting in a room reading by himself. I was surprised and curious and felt compelled to say something, but he seemed to be a man of few words. What do you say to a Buddhist monk that you keep randomly seeing around town? So I opened the door to the room and said hello. He had his back to me. He turned around smiled and waved. And I stood halfway in the door smiling back. And then I left. I took a few steps down the hallway and realized I wanted to say more…I wanted him to say more. So I opened the door again and said, "I saw you last week by the coffee place!" He smiled and nodded. He put his hands over his heart and warmly said, "I love you." I didn’t really know what to say! "I love you too" didn’t seem right. So I froze and just smiled, and then I said, "Good to see you," and left.
He’s been on my mind, this Buddhist monk. I am perplexed. He has so much joy and warmth and love. He’s so friendly and free. I am blown away. I think I’m inspired. And then I wonder…
I have Jesus. But I do not have joy like that. I have Jesus. But I do not love freely like that. I have Jesus. But I do not delight in people like that. What does he have that I don’t have? How is it that I have within me the greatest gift of all but do not have joy and love like he has? Is the Buddhist monk putting me to shame? Do I not truly have what I thought I had? Or maybe I have it but the world has weighed down my heart?
He wears a loose tunic and pants and no shoes. He carries a case with an instrument in it wherever he goes. He is an enigma to me. I want to know. I want to know his story. I want to know his heart. When I see his heart, I see my own. And I realize how far away I am from the person I would like to be.
Interior Design
I’ve been trying to make my house a home.
My last apartment was minimally decorated (and even that wasn’t my doing). It didn’t feel homey and warm. It was not a sanctuary. I promised myself that I would make my new apartment a true home. And that means hang things on the walls, get some area rugs, curtains, pretty vases and flowers, and whatnot. I now have a dining table, which I went a whole year without in my last apartment. It’s going to be different this time. I’m going to beautify and enjoy my home.
But right now, it’s a hot mess.
A few boxes still linger while I try to find a home for their contents. The walls are still bare while I try to catch a vision (and a sale) for what I want on them. It’s not what I want it to be yet. And it could take a while.
And it occurred to me this morning that my life is in a similar state of affairs. It seems God is doing some interior design on me. I’ve been functional but not beautiful. Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary…
