Working Through Family Problems

I went to Colorado this past weekend.  The change of scenery was much needed. New experiences were much needed.  I was hoping for some peace and clarity after an incredibly tumultuous and contentious few weeks here at home.  I am having family problems.  It’s amazing how we can look like the perfect family on the outside…my parents have been married for almost 30 years.  We are, more or less, an in-tact, middle class family. We live comfortably and without any major issues.  Yet, if you peel back the top layer, you will find years of hurt, pain, frustration, misunderstanding, and other junk.

And it’s starting to push through the surface.

So, I’m back home from my trip. I didn’t necessarily find any peace or clarity out west. But I did manage to come back with a humble heart and an open mind.  I am not going to expend any more energy explaining or defending whatever I’ve done in the past. I will not try to make others understand and believe what I say about stuff that is over and done with. The past is the past. People can think what they want to think about my past decisions.  Instead, I will expend my energy trying to become a better person. For so long, my goal has been for my family to understand and accept me. I am aborting that mission. My new mission is to make everyone in my family feel special.  That might mean that I have to go out of my way and be the bigger person far more often than I want to. It might mean I’ll have to do things I’ve never done before or that don’t make sense to me.  But if it will begin the healing process in my family, I think it will be worth it.

I haven’t been like Jesus to my family. But I want to be.

Something Well-Said

I am a sucker for something well-said. A dear friend of mine and seminarian is working on a project about brokenness. Here are some of her thoughts she shared:

In one of my classes we had to write a paper about who Jesus is. As I was reading the textbooks and my classmate’s papers, I noticed there is much talk of discipleship requiring us to take up our crosses and to take up this mantle of self-sacrificing servanthood. In reflecting on this most recently, it has occurred to me that this seems to presuppose a lack of suffering before taking up the cross. If the call to discipleship means taking this up, we must not have already been carrying it. However, Jesus does not say these things to the people out of whom he casts out demons or to the sick that he heals. He tells them to proclaim what God has done for them, or to go their way and sin no more, etc. He speaks it while teaching, he speaks it to the rich, he speaks it to those who ask about it, but the healing is a different matter. Is that because these people already carry crosses, have already been crucified by their infirmities? They have already been sacrificed on the altar of social and religious norms and paradigms, broken by the weight of these burdens. Is there a message in this for today? Should we consider that some are already so broken by life that preaching a call for discipleship like this is not good news, but infirmity upon infirmity? They need to be healed first, and discipleship can follow.
(E. Wied)

Poke

I got my heart poked today.

I went to church heavy-hearted. Worn from the battles in my life.  Exasperated by relationships going awry. Frustrated and burdened.  Feeling alone. In there and everywhere. I am an orphan. But I went in determined to worship Him.

And I did.  I sang my heart out. Exalting His name.

My pastor called for silence in the sanctuary and asked us to just listen. So I listened.

And God spoke this to me:  ”If my people who are called by name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land. Dana, you already possess the land. Now let it be healed!”

I received that.

My pastor’s father-in-law shared the Word with us this morning. A good, timely, penetrating word.  Totally in accord with what God’s been whispering to me, what God’s been doing in me.  I knew that altar call was for me this morning. If I go through an entire service on the verge of tears, then I have an appointment with God before I leave that place!

The in-laws prayed for me and over me.  And I know God spoke to my heart. She prayed and said, “The Lord has ordered your steps. But He has not ordered your steps to be stuck in the mud. You shall have the feet of a deer.  You can climb to greater heights in safety. Do not be afraid. Go higher. No more mud on your feet.”  Wow.  And then he prayed and said, “Dana, I feel the Lord wants me to tell you that He has not abandoned you. You are not an abandoned child. You belong to the family of God. You are not an orphan.”  And I was just kind of blown away.

My biggest beef with God over the last two years has been that he has left me alone. Out here in Texas with no family. And only the fleeting semblance of spiritual family.  I feel like He has left me hanging, orphaned.  And today, clear as day, He answered my heart on that issue.

Now what?  I don’t know. But whatever the Lord puts His finger on, I will confess and repent from it. I don’t want to forfeit the presence of God because of the sin I’ve let in.  Now what? I don’t know. But I know He hears me, and I know He’s after my heart.  And I don’t know what’s next in my life, but I’m going to climb and not be afraid.

My heart got poked today.

Full View

“He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all.  This amazed everyone and they praised God…” (Mark 2:12)

Have you been praying for something?  No, I mean like…
Every day
Down on your knees
Crying
Desperate
Diligent
Fervent
Shameless
Losing hope
Stuck
Needy
With every ounce of faith you can muster…

And nothing.

Have you ever wondered?  Maybe God is waiting for an audience.  The right audience.  Maybe God is waiting to perform your miracle in full view of everyone, so that they will praise Him.  I’m trying to get my mind around this today.  My miracle ain’t just about me!  If I will wait, even in my paralyzed desperation, I may find that others will be amazed by what God does in my life.  Is there anything greater than that?