Learning Grace in Lamentations

If your Bible pages are really thin, you probably often miss Lamentations when you’re flipping through.

The entire book takes up a whopping 6 pages in my Bible.

I read the entire book today, and I learned about grace.  How can a book full of depressing poems teach me about grace?  Because it shows me what I deserve.  Jerusalem has been totally devastated all because they sinned.  And if not for the grace of God that has come through Jesus, this would be my fate too.  I am so thankful that God deals with me according to the terms of a new and better covenant.

Amazingly though, even in Lamentations, there is a glimpse of God’s gracious heart.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness…For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.” (Lamentations 3:22-23, 31-32, NIV)

Spilled Water

Today I told God that I feel far away. That the messes I’ve made have gotten in the way.  And I pleaded with Him to pay attention to me and speak.

The Spirit compelled me to read 2 Samuel 14.

It is a riveting tale that reads like a scene from a plot-twisting movie.  And then came this verse:

“Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die.  But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him.” (2 Samuel 14:14, NIV)

What a delight to encounter this verse, revealing the gracious ways of God in the midst of this gut-wrenching, chaotic story of sin and tragedy.  I do indeed feel exiled like Absalom. Like my sins have pushed me away from my God, out of His presence the way Absalom’s murder of his brother banished him from the royal courts.  That is not what God wants, though.  He graciously conspires for my return.

Reconsideration: Blessing & Punishment

My questions concerning blessing and punishment arise from out of my own moral failures. My questions are as follows:

• Does God punish me for my sins?
• Does Jesus atone for sins I have not confessed?
• Does God withhold blessings from me because of my sins? (even sins that have been forgiven)

I have wrestled with these questions (and variations of them) for the past few months. I don’t have answers, only questions. But if I had to respond to these questions right now, I would answer as follows, respectively:

• I don’t see why God would punish me. Isn’t that part of what Christ accomplished on the Cross? Punishment deflected?  Sometimes sin has consequences that God may not prevent, and that can certainly seem like punishment.  And sometimes God disciplines me, and that, too, can seem like punishment.
• It seems as if Jesus does indeed atone for sins not confessed. 1 John 1:9 talks about confession and forgiveness. But I’ve been wondering if maybe we haven’t misunderstood what is meant by “confess” in that verse. Maybe it’s not about telling God every single sin you commit every single day. Nothing wrong with that…but maybe that’s not how this all works.  In any case, Jesus died for the sins of the world long before I was born and could confess anything.
• The last question is the hardest for me to answer. In fact, I have no response. I really wish I did.

Here’s the thing…this isn’t about figuring out how much I can sin without forfeiting God’s blessings. Nor is it about doing whatever I want because it’s all covered by the blood. Rather, it is about the possibility of freedom from beating myself up over the things I might have missed out on because of my sins. Maybe I haven’t missed anything. Maybe God is still calling me. Maybe God is still anointing me. Maybe God is still ready and willing to bless me. Maybe. Maybe blessing and punishment  no longer have anything to do with my sins.

Unzip

I actually braved the rain to go to church last week.  It’s not like it was torrential rain, but lately any little thing has become an excuse not to go.  I parked and got out and the church bells were ringing.  That was unexpected.  Do you know how long it’s been since I went to a church that had church bells?  Like forever.  I never have.  It was my first time at this church, and I liked the bells ringing, calling people to worship.  I felt like this was about to be special.

When I got to the door, a chipper little man greeted me with a hug.  He said, “Are you a professor?”  Taken aback, I said, “No. I’m a grad student.”  And then he said, “You look like a professor.”  And instantly I flashed back to my childhood…a family friend had nicknamed me “The Professor” when I was four years old. And now I was standing at the church entrance, wondering if this man’s greeting was in any way prophetic.  The sanctuary was beautiful. Large, serene, warm.  Warm woods and reds and lights in just the right places.

The service started and I was in that typical “first-time-visitor fog”.  Not sure when to stand during the liturgy. Not sure if they clap.  Not sure what to say out loud and when.  (The bulletin helped a lot though).  I didn’t mind the fog.  The congregants didn’t seem to mind or pay any attention.  I enjoyed it.  It was like…being in a secret hideout where there was beauty and peace and truth.  One of my favorite parts was when we corporately confessed our sins and then, after silent private confession, the minister pronounced Jesus’s forgiveness of our sins.  I felt a tingly, goosebump sensation all over as the words came from his mouth. I remember thinking, “God is here.  Forgiveness is real.”  I felt differently after that.  We took communion.  And for a few moments in my crazy life, I felt burdens lifted off of me.

I liked that place.  I stick out like a sore thumb.  I’m probably 25 years younger than the average congregant, and I’m the lone chocolate sprinkle in that bowl of vanilla ice cream.  But I like that place, so I went back today.  Today, it wasn’t as…moving as it was last week.  But then, I wasn’t nearly as tired last week as I am today.  Saturday night can really mess you up on Sunday morning. Ha.  But today I felt my heart unzip. Just a wee bit. Letting God back in to where He’s already been.

The Ted Haggard and Oprah Winfrey Showdown

Oh brother!  This is super painful to watch.

So Oprah is interviewing Ted Haggard and his family even as I’m typing this.  Oprah has asked him a lot of questions about his affairs with gay men, etc, etc.  Two things are clear to me from this interview: 1) Oprah doesn’t really understand transformation in a Christian context and 2) Ted Haggard has a powerful testimony.  But it was painful to watch them try to understand each other.  So much bypassing!  I’m not sure they ever made it onto the same page.

It’s possible that this show is going to ignite many conversations–public and private–about sexuality, Christianity, transformation, etc.  We have so much to learn from each other.  At this point in my life, I have learned that sexual orientation is complex.  Judging and pretending to understand yields so little fruit. In no area of my life has transformation happened rapidly, and I am crazy for expecting it to be any different in the lives of others.  And what about the some people that don’t/won’t/can’t change? Well, I won’t try to do God’s job, so that’s between God and those people.

 I think Ted Haggard’s story is heartbreaking but really interesting. I’m glad that we has bold enough to go on Oprah and talk so openly both about his shortcomings (perhaps an understatement?) and about the grace of God that saves, heals, reconciles, and restores.  Oprah didn’t get it.  I have a friend that often says “You’ll get that in a minute.”  I hope Oprah gets that in a minute.  I hope Christians continue to learn how to show grace when people–famous, infamous, and ordinary–fail us.  I hope we learn how to be honest about issues that make us uncomfortable, stuff we don’t understand, stuff that is real, complex, and messy.  God’s grace is never too far away.