New Job

I have finished my first week of work at my new job.  It was a typical first week, complete with excitement, exhaustion, confusion, and anxiety!  On my first day, I was so anxious, I thought was going to vomit.  I don’t know why I felt that way, considering I’ve done this whole teaching thing many times before.  But this time is different, and I know that.

At times, I found myself really missing my old academic community. It really was a special place with incredible faculty and incredible resources.  I feel really fortunate to have been there.  At my new job, my resources are fewer, the academic community is less robust, and my paycheck is about one-third what I was making before.  I started to get bummed about it until I remembered how grateful I am to have any kind of job at all!  I have desperately been wanting to work, and now I am. And I get to do something I really love…teach people.  And the cool thing about my new job is that I have more freedom. The course is all up to me.  And I think it will also demand more creativity. It will be a challenge for me. I’m deeply thankful and deeply hopeful.

I’ve been reading Bishop Jim Swilley’s devotional book, and his words daily challenge me to focus on the present. Right now. However terrible or wonderful the past may have been, let it go.  Whatever I hope for or fear for in the future, let it go. God is here right now. God is working right now.  His grace is sufficient right now. Mercies are new each morning. Bread is daily supplied.  There are good memories and good dreams…but there is also a good NOW. I am learning to embrace that.

On an unrelated note….I had my students tell me their dream job when they introduced themselves this week. Two students said they don’t want to work. I was floored!  And I thought it very interesting, especially considering my recent meditations on Ecclesiastes and how enjoying work is part of a contented life. Hmm.  And then I unexpectedly had students reciprocate the question and ask my dream job. And in a very humbling moment, I realized…I already have it.

Someone Bought Me a Book

I went to church in Midtown this evening with a dear friend and her father. Before the sermon, the pastor talked about some of the books he has written and some of the resources that would be available for purchase in the lobby.  I normally don’t take kindly to pastors “pushing their product” from the pulpit. But…I don’t know…it seemed genuine, and I was genuinely interested in some of the stuff.

I remember sitting in my chair, thinking, “Gee, I’d really like one of those books. It sounds awesome.”  And that thought was followed by, “Nah. You’ve spent enough money today. You have plenty of books. Just let it go.”

After the service, my friend’s father surprised me with an awesome gift.  He had bought a book for me (and it was the exact one I wanted!).  And he even had the pastor sign it for me.  :)

I felt totally blessed, both by the kindness and generosity of my friend’s father and by God’s attentiveness to the desires of my heart.  It was, in a word, delightful!

Reconsideration: Blessing & Punishment

My questions concerning blessing and punishment arise from out of my own moral failures. My questions are as follows:

• Does God punish me for my sins?
• Does Jesus atone for sins I have not confessed?
• Does God withhold blessings from me because of my sins? (even sins that have been forgiven)

I have wrestled with these questions (and variations of them) for the past few months. I don’t have answers, only questions. But if I had to respond to these questions right now, I would answer as follows, respectively:

• I don’t see why God would punish me. Isn’t that part of what Christ accomplished on the Cross? Punishment deflected?  Sometimes sin has consequences that God may not prevent, and that can certainly seem like punishment.  And sometimes God disciplines me, and that, too, can seem like punishment.
• It seems as if Jesus does indeed atone for sins not confessed. 1 John 1:9 talks about confession and forgiveness. But I’ve been wondering if maybe we haven’t misunderstood what is meant by “confess” in that verse. Maybe it’s not about telling God every single sin you commit every single day. Nothing wrong with that…but maybe that’s not how this all works.  In any case, Jesus died for the sins of the world long before I was born and could confess anything.
• The last question is the hardest for me to answer. In fact, I have no response. I really wish I did.

Here’s the thing…this isn’t about figuring out how much I can sin without forfeiting God’s blessings. Nor is it about doing whatever I want because it’s all covered by the blood. Rather, it is about the possibility of freedom from beating myself up over the things I might have missed out on because of my sins. Maybe I haven’t missed anything. Maybe God is still calling me. Maybe God is still anointing me. Maybe God is still ready and willing to bless me. Maybe. Maybe blessing and punishment  no longer have anything to do with my sins.

On Not Getting What I Prayed For…

At this time two years ago, I was finishing my first semester of graduate school.

More than two years ago, I began praying for a job for after grad school.  I prayed consistently, fervently, with my whole heart and with much hope.  And now…

Now I am finishing my first semester teaching as faculty. My one-semester contract  will be over in two weeks. My apartment lease will expire on the 31st.  I should be excited. I should be getting ready to move for the next great leap in my life.  Instead, I am preparing to move back to my parents’ home because I have no job lined up, nowhere to go, and not enough money to stay here without a job.

I am discouraged. Frustrated. I feel like I am moving backwards. Losing everything. Failing. Disappointed. Confused.  And so I’ve got questions…

God, did all those prayers not even matter?
God, do the desires of my heart not matter at all?
God, are you punishing me?
God, have my sins kept you from blessing me?
God, why are other people succeeding?
God, are you still helping me?

I’ve got questions.

Truthfully, I was afraid that this would happen. That I would pray for something I desperately wanted and not get it.  And then I’d have all kinds of beef with God about it.  And I know I don’t deserve anything I’ve asked God for…but has this ever been about what I deserve??

This semester has been amazing. I’ve had the chance to live my dream of teaching at a university!  And I’ve had the chance to impact so many students. Is it over? Is it time for a new dream to chase?  How has something so amazing become so painful?  The past few years have been wild. I’ve experienced incredible intimacy with God. And I’ve also fallen hard and fast away from Him. I’ve heard Him loud and clear. And I’ve also wondered if He would ever speak to me again. This has been a season of learning how to walk with God when I can’t see, feel, or hear him.  Learning about His ‘absence’.  Learning about His silence. No. Wait. I think it’s more like I’ve been learning about how I react to his absence and silence. An exposé of my spiritual immaturity.

And now here I am…trying to make something out of all this disappointment. Trying to figure out what to do when I don’t get what I prayed for.

Why My Faith Sucks

I figured it out. Finally.  I’m alarmed and embarrassed,but I’m going to be honest with myself about it.

Why does my faith suck?  Why am I afraid to believe that God will answer my prayers?  Why am I afraid to ask God for things?

The truth is, I am afraid that God will not answer my prayers and that it will negatively impact my view of God.  What if I pray for a spouse but never get married?  What if I ask God for a job and I find myself unemployed?  It’s not so much that I’m concerned about what I don’t get.  I am concerned that I will ask God for good things, and for whatever reason, those good things will not come to me, and that experience will cause me to feel something towards God that will wreck my faith.

The truth is, it is much easier for me to believe, “Whatever happens, happens. God is a good God.”
The truth is, I am afraid I cannot handle the disappointment of unanswered prayer and unfulfilled desires.
The truth is, I am afraid that God will get tired of blessing such an undeserving person as myself.

So my faith sucks.

Score One More!

Once again, God has come through!  He has shown himself SO faithful in the areas of school and work in my life.  Grace and favor are abounding, and I’m humbled and grateful.  I don’t deserve the job I have or the blessings that come with it.  But God is a gracious, generous, trustworthy God.  My heart is encouraged by this further evidence of His character.

Oh that I would perceive His workings in ALL areas of my life!

Full Nets

“…but even with so many the net was not torn.” (John 21:11)

Peter and his disciple homies had been out fishing and had caught nothing all night.  Then Jesus (not recognized by them though) shows up and tells them to cast their nets on the other side of the boat. They did, and their nets were so full they could barely haul it to shore.  Peter literally had to drag it. 153 fish. With that kind of catch, a net might bust at the seams!  But even with so many, the net was not torn.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting a lot on where I’m at in life right now.  What I’ve gained and what I’ve lost over the last two years.  When I moved here for school, I knew that I was being blessed.  That God was doing a new thing in my life. That I was walking in favor.  But somewhere along the way, that blessing has threatened to tear me.  The challenges that have accompanied the blessing sometimes seem too much to bear. And I wonder if I’m strong enough to carry the weight of the blessing.  This thing that seemed so great becomes this heavy load that I’m dragging behind me, sweating and hoping that I don’t just tear under the emotional and spiritual weight of it all.

But the Lord whispered to me today. That quick, soft whisper that seems to vanish the moment I perceive it.

“Your blessing will not break you.”

Would You Leave Behind Your Blessing?

“When they had brought their boats to shore, they left everything and followed him” (Luke 5:11, NRSV).

Here’s the thing…

They had, quite possible, just had the biggest catch of their lives!  After a long, frustrating, and fruitless night of fishing, they had come up empty-handed.  Now Jesus shows up, telling them to cast their nets once more.  And what happens?  They fill TWO boats so full of fish that the boats begin to sink.  What a blessing!  What a miracle!

And then…they abandon their boats and the biggest catch of their lives to follow Jesus.  Holy crap. I’m just gonna let that preach to me for a while.  I mean, these fishermen dudes were experiencing overflow! What more could fishermen ask for than two boats full of fish?  This was, after all, their livelihood.  The reality is, God may show up and rock your world (or your boat) and just bless you out of your mind.  And then he might invite you to leave it all behind and follow him. Would you leave behind your blessing?

I’ve been praying a lot about my job situation.  In August, I will finish my Master’s program and venture out into…I don’t know what.  In many ways, my experience of moving to Texas and going through graduate school has been the biggest catch of my life.  And today, while I was sitting in church, it occurred to me that God may be calling me to leave it all behind and follow him for something greater.

Blessed and Blessing

There are some people that come into my life and, through their misfortune, reveal to me just how blessed I am. And out of my blessedness, I wish to bless them.

May we circulate the blessings.