My cousin was here visiting recently.  Every now and then I would hear him attempting to tap out beats on whatever surface happened to be within arm’s reach.  He also took quite an interest in all the musical instruments I have in my room.  His recent interest in making music can, no doubt, be attributed to his Rock Band video game.  I suspect Rock Band has fooled many people into believing they are bonafide musicians.  Ha.  (My cousin was quickly snatched from that delusion the moment he put his fingers to my keyboard.)  But this, of course, is the appeal of the game!  Anyone can instantly become a superstar musician.  No need to train your hands or learn the theory.  Just follow the colored buttons!

Could it be that we approach our lives as disciples in a similar fashion?  Our church, our parents, our traditions, etc function as colored buttons, and our lives sort of seem to make music.  But we are not, in fact, musicians. I mean, you know, I had my “colored button” days back when I first began living for the Lord.  And I’m thankful for it.  The guidance of my youth pastor, my Christian friends, and my church set me on track and helped me navigate my new life in Christ.  But I guess…if a colored-button, Rock Band faith doesn’t inspire us to become true musicians–training, practicing, learning–then it is just temporary amusement that we take up whenever we feel the urge to be something we are not.

Learn the craft. Learn the teachings.  Learn the life.  Learn Jesus.  Be a true musician.

What is it? What is it that keeps me from being fully devoted in every aspect of my life?

But Daniel resolved  not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way.  Now God had caused the official to show favor and sympathy to Daniel, but the official told Daniel, “I am afraid of my lord the king, who has assigned your food and drink.  Why should he see you looking worse than the other young men your age?  The king would then have my head because of you.”(Daniel 1:8-10)

Could it be that I am afraid that my devotion will result in lack?  A highly visible lack.  A gaunt and skinny life that portrays devotion to God as something that robs instead of enriches.  Daniel resolved not to defile himself with this (no doubt) exquisite, royal food that had likely been sacrificed to false gods and idols.  And in this resolve, we find a holy confidence–knowing that his purity and obedience will not subtract anything from his life.  He will not be worse off than the other young men his age.  To the contrary, staying steadfastly committed to God against all odds brought favor and anointing upon Daniel. 

My citizenship is in heaven.  I live as an alien and a stranger here.  And the world daily offers me a portion of “royal food” in the form of distasteful entertainment, ungodly relationships, selfish ambition, love of money, and so on.  Rich, delicious…and profane!  And, if I’m honest, there is a part of me that desires to partake of it for fear of “looking worse” than others.  Oh that I would resolve to not defile myself!  In every area in which I am faithful, in those same areas I will find that I am “healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food” (v. 15).  “Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing” (Psalm 34:9).

As I have meditated on these passages, God has shown me my heart.  I compromise, I go with the flow. But God is looking for a Daniel heart with Daniel faith.  Boldly refusing anything that defiles.  Consecrating myself with holy confidence.  Fearlessness.  Security in my identity as a worshiper of the one true God.  In chapter 5, just before Daniel reads the writing on the wall, he says to the king, “You may keep your gifts for yourself and give your rewards to someone else.  Nevertheless, I will read the writing for the king and tell him what it means” (v. 17).  I admire Daniel’s utter disinterest in anything the king has to offer.  May I have the same disinterest in anything the world has to offer.  Daniel was only concerned with being faithful to God at all costs and doing what he had been gifted to do.

I want that to be true of my life.

Wow.  Been a while.  What is this bloggy thingamajig?  What am I doing?  Ha.

I just got back last night from a 4-day visit to Panama City, FL for a family reunion (sans computer).  Was it fun?  Eh…you know. Something to do.  Somewhere to be other than home.  I caught a fish! We went to the beach on Saturday, and I swam in the ocean (which I don’t get to do often enough).  We left the beach and went to a little food joint across the street and got appetizers and drinks.  (Frozen vodka lemonade sounded like a good idea at the time, but it wasn’t.  It gave me a headache, and walking around in the blazing hot sun with a headache probably approximates hell.)  Anyway, we drove back to the hotel and I took a nap.  Then I woke up and went to take a shower.  So, I’m in the bathroom undressing, and I pull my swimsuit top off and there was a fish in my swimsuit top!!  It had been there for hours!  I didn’t know whether to be horrified or amused…or grossed out.  Ha.  I don’t know how I didn’t feel that little guy in there all that time!  I guess I was determined to catch something one way or another after an unsuccessful fishing trip Friday morning All in all, it was an alright trip.  I am glad to be home, sleeping in my own bed and enjoying some solitude; after 4 days of constant people-ness, I was maxed out!   My grandma and her sister will be here all week, but I think I can handle that.

In other news…
Last week I got in touch with an old friend that I hadn’t talked to in like 6 years.  George saw her at Sophie’s funeral and gave her my number.  It was actually rather serendipitous how it happened.  I was totally elated to talk with this old friend of mine. It was like the highlight of my week! Turns out we have both been thinking about each other a lot over the years, but couldn’t track each other down.  Funny how funerals bring people together.

Oh gosh.  After 3 days without a computer, my tolerance is low.  I really don’t feel like typing anymore despite have much more to say.  I’ll just say…it seems, lately, I have experienced many of the “small graces” of God.  Things just working out.  Reconnecting with old friends.  The little things that happen (or don’t happen, for that matter) that just bring me simple, childlike joy and help me know God is near. 

I think I’ll end with some memorable words from the weekend:

“Sometimes the best part of going fishing is going home.” -Dad

I sang my prayers today.  I played my guitar and sang out my prayers to God. 

And I went to Macy’s to get some kitchen stuff for my new apartment.

I’ve been wanting to talk to someone, but it’s Friday night.  Who is around?  I called George, but he was busy.  I just need to talk to somebody about…I don’t know what.  Nothing.  Anything.  Life.  Whatever.

I’m so incredibly sleepy right now. My eyelids are heavy like sandbags and my eyes are stinging.  I’m watching Pastor Melissa Scott on TV.  Half-watching  Her teaching is far too complex to comprehend at 1:30 a.m.  I’m so tired that I don’t have the energy to go upstairs, put my pajamas on, brush my teeth and go to bed. I just want to fall asleep on the couch, but I won’t.  Or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to lay supine, because then everything will level out.  And whatever I’m feeling in my gut and in my heart will flow into my head and I’ll have to think about it.

I don’t understand these things.  And they are not for me to understand.  Today I got news that a friend of mine back in Wisconsin has passed away.  They prayed so fervently and with such great faith…but she is gone.  Too young for heart problems.  I can’t shake the feeling that God has done, is doing, and will do marvelous deeds through this loss.  I know it’s true.  But I also can’t shake the feeling that she should still be here.  That we should still hear her voice and see her and…

And I feel the urge to type here things that I wish I had said to her. (How many people must die before I get for real about telling people how they impact my life?)   But what good will those words do now?  My heart just aches so hard for her family.  How will they cope?  Yes.  They are people of great faith.  The same faith they stood on when they prayed for her healing and it didn’t come.  Please God, don’t let them fall apart.  I lost a friend in 2006, my grandfather almost 5 months ago.   Will I ever get good at this?  Will I ever get good at answering the theological questions?  Will I ever get good at easing the pain of a person’s heart…or even my own? 

I don’t understand these things.  They stood on the rooftop of a parking garage at dusk.  Maybe 100 of them gathered to pray on a breezy, cloudless night.  And then they saw a single bright pink cloud in the shape of a heart hovering over them.  This would be her new heart.  She would be healed.  They understood.  They were convinced.  Her heart would come down from heaven. Instead, she had to go up to heaven to claim it.  We rejoice!  And cry too.

Selfishly…I was having such a wonderful week.  Light as a feather.  And then death hits and straps me back to earth, to reality.  These things happen.  These things that I don’t understand.  These things that are not for me to understand.  It is unbelievable, unreal.  But if I think about it long enough, it becomes real.  And my vision is slowly blurred by the puddles forming in the corners of my eyes.

I wish she knew how much I looked up to her.  I wish she knew how often I thought about her in spite of the fact that time and distance had nestled snugly between us.  I wish she knew how much she made me want to love Jesus more.  Truly, our lives are vapors.

I don’t know how to explain the sadness I feel.  A deep, compassionate sadness, for sure, for her husband and their families.  And my own sadness too.  The kind you feel when you get ripped off but there’s nothing you can do about it.  Or the kind you feel when something right feels really wrong.  Or the helpless kind.  Or the shocked kind.  Or the scared kind.  Scared of what?  If it can happen to her, it can happen to anyone.  I’ve never been afraid to die.  I’ve only been afraid of people close to me dying.  Death plays “duck-duck-goose”, picking off people I know, one by one.  What’s the reason, God?  Does the reason even matter anymore?  I will get accustomed to loss and stop asking questions, because all there is left to do is love hard every day, tell people how important they are everyday, keep trusting God everyday, keep pressin everyday…   Keep.  Keep.  What do we get to keep?  Not our loved ones. Not even our own lives.  Just love.  Just faith.

Sophia Gokey, you will be sorely missed.  Shine, baby girl, shine!

I’m pleased to announce that my first poetry chapbook is now available!  It’s a collection of poems that I self-published through Wordclay.  I’m proud of the work I’ve done and excited to share it with others (I’ve been a “closet poet” for a long time). 

If you’re interested, you can order a copy through the Wordclay online bookstore for $12.   Skip the Starbucks this week, and get a book instead.  ;)   Thanks for the support!

I had intended to pray.  To seek God about some specific things.  Or even just commune with Him.  To worship.  But I sensed a blockage, and I didn’t know what to do. But it was my heart.  God was wanting my heart.  It had been too long since I laid naked before God.  Not my body.  My heart.  A naked heart.  I had shut Him out of particular realms, presuming them too carnal or too trivial.  But He whispered tonight. He told me to go ahead and expose myself, go ahead and bring it.  So I did.  I told God everything that was hurting.  I told God everything I had screwed up.  I told God I didn’t know what to do.  And I really didn’t.  So I just started declaring all the things I know to be true about God’s character. I just praised Him.  I let my heart go.  I had been trying to hear from God and keep my distance too.  But that won’t work.  I have to come close, and closeness exposes…

I prayed. I got down on my knees.  Not because praying on my knees is better than any other way, but because I needed to convince my heart to surrender, and that’s a surrendering position.  And I listened.  I listened for God’s voice.  He didn’t speak heavy tonight.  Heavy–unmistakably His voice.  It was soft and faint. I am okay with that tonight. 

Then I got this mental picture of a candy necklace.  And the image lingered, but I didn’t know what to do with it.  And I prayed, “Lord you are my life.”   And then I got another mental picture–a pearl necklace.  With both images suspended in my mind, I realized there are two options set before me.  The days of my life are strung together like a necklace.  And what kind of necklace will it be?  A sweet but cheap and fleeting one?  Or a beautiful, authentic, high-quality one of lasting value?

Jesus,  I make my life unnecessarily complicated.  Simplify me.  I love you.

*image from http://www.pbase.com/oly_c700/image/26108381

Hmm. So I guess I haven’t posted in a while.  Not really, only a handful of days.  I have been feeling less than stellar this week, so between that and being busy with various things…

I had the great pleasure of spending the day with a friend from college yesterday.  She’s been down here in Atlanta, training for Teach for America. (I respect and admire her so much for doing that!)  We went to World of Coca-Cola and Centennial Olympic Park and ended up staying all night and watching the fireworks at Centennial, along with three of her TfA friends and my parents.   It was quite a pleasant day. Something about visiting with people from college makes me feel…less alone.  I guess because we have a shared history.

Venus Williams won Wimbledon today!!  It was a great showdown between the Williams sisters.  I think I was kind of hoping Serena would win, but Venus played excellently.  It was intense to watch.  You know, I love that both of the Williams ladies have pursued other interests outside of tennis (fashion, acting, etc).  They have lives, they have other interests and goals, and yet they remain outstanding tennis players, and with such gracious and professional attitudes on top of that.  I’m excited to see Federer and Nadal showdown tomorrow.

I’ve had this terribly obnoxious headache between my eyes and across my browbone…all day!  I finally caved and took some ibuprofen an hour or so ago.  It’s a little better, but geez. I feel like there’s a miniature man inside my head pounding on my face with a hammer from behind my eyes.  The printing of my poetry book is taking longer than expected.  They told me 2 weeks from the date it was submitted, which was like the 19th, which means it should have been available this past Thursday.  Hmmm.  I don’t know. But things happen. Life is not perfect or always on schedule.  I’ll give it til Tuesday I suppose before I contact them.

I’m not going to mention how much I’m fretting over not yet having a place to live in Texas. ;)  *Sigh* Moving on…

Today is a documentary kind of day.  I already watched a documentary about meth addicts, then one about Ella Fitzgerald, and now I’m watching one about photographer Sally  Mann.  Wow.  The more I type, the more utterly dull my life sounds.  Ha.  Not that I care.  I’ve never felt the need to fascinate others with my life.  I mean, it’s not that I’m into dullness or find it acceptable.  I just choose not to operate by other people’s definitions of dullness.  Anyway, my parents are kind of freaked out by my fascination with drug addiction.  My mom thinks it’s sick and depressing to watch documentaries about it and shows like Intervention.  I think my dad secretly wonders if  I’m going to do drugs.  Ha.  I won’t. It’s not an unhealthy fascination.  My heart just breaks for people who find drugs less painful than the (apparently really painful) blows life has dealt them.  I’m intrigued by the process of becoming an addict, and I am equally intrigued by the recovery process.  I think, at some point in my life, I’d like to work in the drug rehabilitation field in some capacity. Actually, there are many things I’d like to do in my lifetime.  Teach college. Write books.  Own an art gallery(not for my own work).  Play in a band.  Have a garden.  Serve in college campus ministry.  Live in Costa Rica. There’s probably more too. Those are the major things though.  But I don’t really set goals. Goals frustrate/discourage/intimidate me.  So I prefer to just kind of keep everything on the radar screen, and when I get within striking distance of something, I aim and fire.  I’m assuming that’s a good strategy?

I’m having an issue with a friend of mine.  Not really an issue like a tiff or anything.  It’s more of an internal issue for me.  In the past, a lot of my closest friends have turned out to be not so excellent.  I have made a lot of attempts to mend relationships but to no avail.  I think I just suck at picking friends.  That’s the real issue.  Ha.  I don’t know.  I see “red flags” here and there and ignore them, supposing that I am being overly-critical or unnecessarily cautious.  But perhaps I shouldn’t ignore them.  Hmm.  *Sigh*

I’m excited to go to church tonight.  No, not excited.  Just glad.  I need Jesus.  And I need silence. I need more silence in my life.

Today is a record-setting day for my blog.  This page got a whopping 125 views today, about 5 times the amount of an average day!  So, what’s the deal?  Over a 100 hits came from people searching “candy” in a search engine and ending up at my Candy Dish page.  How bizarre and unexpected.  I’m sure they were plenty disappointed upon realizing that that page actually has nothing to do with candy at all.  Ha.  In any case, this sudden influx of hits has thrust me beyond the 5,000 “total views” mark.  A milestone for my wee little blog!  So, those of you who are regulars around here, you ought to post some really delicious stuff in the Candy Dish, because apparently it’s a hot spot lately.

In other news, I’ve managed to come down with a cold of sorts.  (In the summer!)  Not pleasant.  But that’s life, baby.

I’ve been watching Wimbledon and also the U.S. Olympic Trials for the past few days.  Yesterday, track star Tyson Gay ran the 100m sprint in 9.68,  breaking the world record!!  Except he didn’t.  Although, he has the (insanely) fastest recorded time, it didn’t count as a record-breaker once the tailwind speed was factored in.  I can’t wait to see him run at the Olympics!  The men’s 100m is always one of the most exciting events of the summer Olympics.

Anyway…

Today I saw a commercial for toaster strudels, and it said something about being better than Pop-Tarts blah blah blah.  (My favorite pop-tarts were the unfrosted strawberry! Wow, it’s been years.)  I think I’ve seen this commercial dozens of times, but today it got under my skin.  What is wrong with our society?  It’s never enough for something to just be good.  No, it has to be better than everything else.  We endlessly compare things, because, in our minds, a good thing loses its value if it is not better  than other good things.  It’s a silly and infantile way of evaluating things.  We all slip into it from time to time.  But it’s…just kind of crazy.   And neither Toaster strudels nor Pop-Tarts are probably good for your health anyway.  Ha.