Upwrite

Grief sneaks up on me.  Everything is as usual. Reading emails, sipping orange juice.  And here it comes, leaping on me from behind.  What a cheap shot.  I didn’t see it coming.  The pain.  I want my grandfather back, even if just for one day.  It’s been too long since I’ve seen him, and it will be longer still until I see him again.  I didn’t get to do all the things I think I should do when someone I love is dying–sit by their bed, hold their hand, laugh about old things, tell them how much I love them…  Instead I was basking in the sun on a tropical island.  The regret of not being there overwhelms me.  The shame of my self-centeredness.  Why didn’t I call him more often?  I want one more conversation.  I want to say all the things it’s too late to say.  The pain, the pain of loss.  My grief has been cerebral.  And now…I think it is trickling down to my heart.

*Sigh* I didn’t want to write this post.  The computer is the only one available to listen right now.