Upwrite

I went to a different church this morning.  It was my first ever visit to a United Methodist church.  I don’t suppose they’re all the same.  It didn’t really feel like church at all; it was unchurchly.  Whatever that means.  Years of church-going have ingrained in me certain ways of “doing” church.  I mean, it wasn’t totally foreign.  There was singing, moments of greeting one another, lots of praying, and the pastor talked.  I’m still not sure what the sermon (which really seemed more like an impromptu speech) was about.  And in the sanctuary instead of pews or rows of chairs, there were tables with chairs around them.  I thought maybe it was something special they were doing that I just happened to catch this week. But actually, I think it’s always set up that way.  Most people were drinking coffee. Everyone was casually dressed.  It was a pretty small congregation.  It reminded me in some ways of Neighborhood City–stripped down, simple.  I got the feeling that the people around me were just regular people.  It had a close-knit, familial vibe, and it was really mellow.  Overall, it was an alright experience.  Honestly, it didn’t seem like a worshipful atmosphere and I didn’t really get the pastor’s sermon.  But I’d say any decent church deserves at least 3 visits to get a good idea of what’s it like and what they’re about.

I did go to my home church this afternoon as well.  It was really good.  I won’t re-preach, but he talked about brokenness in relation to God’s holiness.  Something happens inside of me when I hear the ruth.  It’s odd.  The things that drive me crazy about this church are the same things I really love.  Hmm.

I’ve been thinking about regret today.  I’ve heard lots of people say that they have no regrets in life.  That blows my mind.  No regrets?  Surely, they have not thoroughly and honestly examined their lives.  I’m full of regrets.  For starters, I regret most of the major decisions I’ve made within the last 3 years or so.  Honestly, I do.  And that kind of sucks.  It would be so much nicer to feel as though I’ve made great decisions in the recent past.  But I haven’t.  I’d change so many things if I could.  And what do you do?  What do you do when regret weighs heavy on you?

And here I am.  Lately loneliness has gripped me so strongly.  I hate it. I’m trying to be honest about it.  No one ever asks, but if they did, I’d be honest.  It’s the weirdest thing. I really believe God is doing something really cool in my life that I’ll understand later.  I believe good things are on the way.  But that doesn’t make today any easier.  I’m so thankful that pat answers don’t satisfy me.  I’ll remember not to give them to others.  I don’t have the answers. I don’t have the cure.  But every night, before I go to bed, I lay on my floor and ask God to make everything better.